Smack-talk War
Shortly before the softball season, FlyingV came up with the brilliant idea of creating an additional team in the co-ed league consisting entirely of our summer interns. We wanted a 10th team in the league (even though they wouldn;t be around for the playoffs), and FlyingV figured that the interns would have fun playing one game per week during their time in CT.
Tomorrow, P&C plays that 1-2 intern squad. They are not very good when they work all 15 male interns into the game, but they plan to play their "all-star team" for the entire game tomorrow. Also, some of their girls are damn good players.
The build up for tomorrow's game has resulted into an all-out war of words between the two teams via e-mail. I'll let you decide who won the smack-talk war. (We don't actually work during the day)
The only question not in doubt for tomorrow's game is who will win the actual game. I don't think there is a chance in hell that they win, especially since The Swinging Bunts beat them down pretty bad a couple weeks ago.
(all specific company references have been altered)
---------------
Friday morning e-mail from Intern #1:
"We have been constantly doubted by our imaginary critics. We have been called too young and too inexperienced. But yesterday the beginning of our magical season truly began with a 25-23 victory over Bloomfield's Best. In the longest game in company softball history, we constantly fought back until we captured the lead and held on for the victory.
We are looking to pull off a feat equivalent to the U.S.A hockey victory over the USSR at Lake Placid when we play your team next Tuesday. Even though our team may be outmatched in payroll (comparable to the K.C. Royals playing the Yanks) and there are rumors of performance enhancing drug use by our opponents, we have the heart of a contender. It's going to be "Upset City," baby! (copyright Dick Vitale).
The softball league's wrecking ball has been sent in motion. Don't forget to duck. Haha."
---------------
Friday afternoon response from Me:
Subject - Who Believes in Miracles? Not Me!
"There comes a time in a young lad's life when childlike imagination yields to the cold, harsh reality that is life. Most of us stopped pretending that we had imaginary friends back when we were four or five years old. Most of us also gave up that dream of being a professional athlete around age 13. We also know that upsets in sports along the magnitude of the USA "Miracle on Ice" happen so rarely, that referencing a potential repeat upset on that same scale is overdone and pointless.
This Tuesday, another young, inexperienced team will attempt to repeat the magic of the 1980 USA hockey team. Like hundreds of other teams in a similar situation since 1980, the intern softball team will learn that it is futile to waste your time with such hallucinations. In fact, you might as well not even show up to the game on Tuesday because it might get ugly in a hurry. I would hate to leave you all so bitter after the game that you don't want to face us at work the next morning.
You beat the last place team from 2005 last night. For that, I congratulate you. However, you are about to mix it up with the big boys (and girls) on Tuesday. Not only do we plan to provide you with a free lesson on how to play softball, but we are going to annihilate you in the trash talking war. We are not going to lay over and take your abuse like our JV team did last month. We ARE going to smack you around the field in a similar fashion, no matter how many nights of batting and fielding practice you have between now and Tuesday. Take it from me, you weekend will be better spent partying like crazy because you will be in no mood to celebrate for a while after Tuesday evening, and I would hate to see you waste a lot of your time this weekend practicing so that you lose by 30 runs instead of by 40 runs.
There's a pecking order that must be followed around here. The actuarial interns have never beaten a full-time squad in softball prior to this year. In fact, the full-timers dominate every sport around here. You name the sport, and we will beat you at it. I guarantee you that the softball streak will continue through 2006. I'm just hoping for the sake of your self-esteem and team spirit that we don't shut you out!
My prediction? Pitchers & Catchers 31, Sacrifice Flies 1. The ump will feel so sorry for the destruction that he will invoke the mercy rule after 4 innings instead of waiting until the 5th."
---------------
Friday afternoon response from intern #2:
"To quote myself from 7th grade, "It's on like Donkey Kong!"
Nice job getting the smack-talking started, Gary. I'm just wondering why I wasn't included in the list of players who got your email, and had to get it from my co-captain. I understand that you may be intimidated, but I assure you I should be the least of your worries. We are a new breed of intern...a class of firsts. It's the first year the interns have fielded their own lineup...first time an intern has betrayed his own team...first time we've had three times as many guys as girls on our team...so when you think about it, first victory against the full-timers falls right in line. It's the dawning of a new age.
You see, you've got to ask yourself a few questions:
Are we really that sure that we can contain a lineup that scored two dozen runs in six innings?
Will the aged legs really hold up?
Can we really live up to the hype?
Do I feel lucky? (I felt it belonged here)
So I guess the best bit of advice I can offer is this: pool your Yankee-esque payroll and buy as many Tom Emanski videos as possible. (They're endorsed by Fred McGriff)
My prediction: A game that will go down in company softball history."
---------------
Monday e-mail from intern #3 (official smack-talker for the Sacrifice Flies)
"I am assuming that since you're on salary you can all afford a TV, and that more than likely you witnessed the Zinedine Zidane incident. (If you haven't, look it up on the internet because it is the funniest/most absurd moment from this World Cup)
This is your official warning:
Every single member of our team has a stronger head and is crazier than Zidane. We even held an extended practice session yesterday evening perfecting our head butt mechanics. So make sure to keep your heads up at all time, because if you don't, the last thing you'll hear is a loud thud as one our skulls permanently damages your chest cavity, and when you regain consciousness, all you'll see are the enraged eyes of a crazed, bald French man staring down over your lifeless body, and as you try to muster the strength to call out to the heavens in anguish and pain, you're cries will go unanswered, because Yahweh has always and will always be a Sacrifice Flies fan at heart."
---------------
Monday afternoon response from UNICorn:
"Most great civilizations throughout history have shown the desire to make sacrificial offerings. Some groups make offerings to the Gods…others, I think just do it for fun. Regardless, all sacrificial offerings were generally completed swiftly and without mercy. Tomorrow will be no different when the Orange clad warriors offer up to the Gods of intramural softball a group of slaughtered young little boys and girls.
The question is, what should we ask for in return from those very same God's of intramural softball? I mean, we need something that we don't already have! This question has been tormenting me all day, and so I decided to make a check list of all things our team wants.
Want # 1: Gods, may we please have the best record in the entire intramural softball league…..oh wait….we do…..(Cross this one off the list)
Want # 2: Gods, would you please grace us with a team filled with the best looking people in the intramural softball league….darnit….I guess we've got that too!
Want # 3: Gods, would you please inflate our egos by allowing a team of under-achieving and over-hyped "newbies" into the company softball league for us to use as batting practice….again, strike 3…..I guess that prayer from last year has already been answered.
As you can see, not an easy question for us to come up with an answer…..and asking for something that we already have…well….that just seems greedy.
So for tomorrow, I propose that we offer up our sacrifice to the Gods, and in return, we ask for a better group of intern softball players next year. A group of young little boys and girls that will actually challenge us and give us a game…
Until then, we'll just have to settle for yet another blowout. See ya on the field! "
-------------
Tomorrow, P&C plays that 1-2 intern squad. They are not very good when they work all 15 male interns into the game, but they plan to play their "all-star team" for the entire game tomorrow. Also, some of their girls are damn good players.
The build up for tomorrow's game has resulted into an all-out war of words between the two teams via e-mail. I'll let you decide who won the smack-talk war. (We don't actually work during the day)
The only question not in doubt for tomorrow's game is who will win the actual game. I don't think there is a chance in hell that they win, especially since The Swinging Bunts beat them down pretty bad a couple weeks ago.
(all specific company references have been altered)
---------------
Friday morning e-mail from Intern #1:
"We have been constantly doubted by our imaginary critics. We have been called too young and too inexperienced. But yesterday the beginning of our magical season truly began with a 25-23 victory over Bloomfield's Best. In the longest game in company softball history, we constantly fought back until we captured the lead and held on for the victory.
We are looking to pull off a feat equivalent to the U.S.A hockey victory over the USSR at Lake Placid when we play your team next Tuesday. Even though our team may be outmatched in payroll (comparable to the K.C. Royals playing the Yanks) and there are rumors of performance enhancing drug use by our opponents, we have the heart of a contender. It's going to be "Upset City," baby! (copyright Dick Vitale).
The softball league's wrecking ball has been sent in motion. Don't forget to duck. Haha."
---------------
Friday afternoon response from Me:
Subject - Who Believes in Miracles? Not Me!
"There comes a time in a young lad's life when childlike imagination yields to the cold, harsh reality that is life. Most of us stopped pretending that we had imaginary friends back when we were four or five years old. Most of us also gave up that dream of being a professional athlete around age 13. We also know that upsets in sports along the magnitude of the USA "Miracle on Ice" happen so rarely, that referencing a potential repeat upset on that same scale is overdone and pointless.
This Tuesday, another young, inexperienced team will attempt to repeat the magic of the 1980 USA hockey team. Like hundreds of other teams in a similar situation since 1980, the intern softball team will learn that it is futile to waste your time with such hallucinations. In fact, you might as well not even show up to the game on Tuesday because it might get ugly in a hurry. I would hate to leave you all so bitter after the game that you don't want to face us at work the next morning.
You beat the last place team from 2005 last night. For that, I congratulate you. However, you are about to mix it up with the big boys (and girls) on Tuesday. Not only do we plan to provide you with a free lesson on how to play softball, but we are going to annihilate you in the trash talking war. We are not going to lay over and take your abuse like our JV team did last month. We ARE going to smack you around the field in a similar fashion, no matter how many nights of batting and fielding practice you have between now and Tuesday. Take it from me, you weekend will be better spent partying like crazy because you will be in no mood to celebrate for a while after Tuesday evening, and I would hate to see you waste a lot of your time this weekend practicing so that you lose by 30 runs instead of by 40 runs.
There's a pecking order that must be followed around here. The actuarial interns have never beaten a full-time squad in softball prior to this year. In fact, the full-timers dominate every sport around here. You name the sport, and we will beat you at it. I guarantee you that the softball streak will continue through 2006. I'm just hoping for the sake of your self-esteem and team spirit that we don't shut you out!
My prediction? Pitchers & Catchers 31, Sacrifice Flies 1. The ump will feel so sorry for the destruction that he will invoke the mercy rule after 4 innings instead of waiting until the 5th."
---------------
Friday afternoon response from intern #2:
"To quote myself from 7th grade, "It's on like Donkey Kong!"
Nice job getting the smack-talking started, Gary. I'm just wondering why I wasn't included in the list of players who got your email, and had to get it from my co-captain. I understand that you may be intimidated, but I assure you I should be the least of your worries. We are a new breed of intern...a class of firsts. It's the first year the interns have fielded their own lineup...first time an intern has betrayed his own team...first time we've had three times as many guys as girls on our team...so when you think about it, first victory against the full-timers falls right in line. It's the dawning of a new age.
You see, you've got to ask yourself a few questions:
Are we really that sure that we can contain a lineup that scored two dozen runs in six innings?
Will the aged legs really hold up?
Can we really live up to the hype?
Do I feel lucky? (I felt it belonged here)
So I guess the best bit of advice I can offer is this: pool your Yankee-esque payroll and buy as many Tom Emanski videos as possible. (They're endorsed by Fred McGriff)
My prediction: A game that will go down in company softball history."
---------------
Monday e-mail from intern #3 (official smack-talker for the Sacrifice Flies)
"I am assuming that since you're on salary you can all afford a TV, and that more than likely you witnessed the Zinedine Zidane incident. (If you haven't, look it up on the internet because it is the funniest/most absurd moment from this World Cup)
This is your official warning:
Every single member of our team has a stronger head and is crazier than Zidane. We even held an extended practice session yesterday evening perfecting our head butt mechanics. So make sure to keep your heads up at all time, because if you don't, the last thing you'll hear is a loud thud as one our skulls permanently damages your chest cavity, and when you regain consciousness, all you'll see are the enraged eyes of a crazed, bald French man staring down over your lifeless body, and as you try to muster the strength to call out to the heavens in anguish and pain, you're cries will go unanswered, because Yahweh has always and will always be a Sacrifice Flies fan at heart."
---------------
Monday afternoon response from UNICorn:
"Most great civilizations throughout history have shown the desire to make sacrificial offerings. Some groups make offerings to the Gods…others, I think just do it for fun. Regardless, all sacrificial offerings were generally completed swiftly and without mercy. Tomorrow will be no different when the Orange clad warriors offer up to the Gods of intramural softball a group of slaughtered young little boys and girls.
The question is, what should we ask for in return from those very same God's of intramural softball? I mean, we need something that we don't already have! This question has been tormenting me all day, and so I decided to make a check list of all things our team wants.
Want # 1: Gods, may we please have the best record in the entire intramural softball league…..oh wait….we do…..(Cross this one off the list)
Want # 2: Gods, would you please grace us with a team filled with the best looking people in the intramural softball league….darnit….I guess we've got that too!
Want # 3: Gods, would you please inflate our egos by allowing a team of under-achieving and over-hyped "newbies" into the company softball league for us to use as batting practice….again, strike 3…..I guess that prayer from last year has already been answered.
As you can see, not an easy question for us to come up with an answer…..and asking for something that we already have…well….that just seems greedy.
So for tomorrow, I propose that we offer up our sacrifice to the Gods, and in return, we ask for a better group of intern softball players next year. A group of young little boys and girls that will actually challenge us and give us a game…
Until then, we'll just have to settle for yet another blowout. See ya on the field! "
-------------
posted by GaryGinew at 8:17 PM
5 Comments:
hahaha! finally! a softball related post that I actually read from start to finish.
two things...
1) you guys definitely beat them in the trash talking department. you were much wittier (is that a word) than the interns. I guess that comes with experience.
2) re: unicorns #2 point... I think you should provide photographic evidence of all teams, so that we can determine who the best looking team is. I'm not sold on P&C winning this one... must. provide. evidence. preferrably shirtless evidence, if you really are all hot.
Mouse,
I want you to think long and hard about that second point. Do you REALLY want to see a picture of me shirtless?
{insert Burnsian shudder}
V - I may have my Simpsons characters mixed up, but isn't it a Sideshow Bob shudder?
ahhh. good point, gary. silly me. most of my male friends are in the Air Force, and are more than willing to show off the fruits of their physical training when I ask them to, so I'm just used to asking for shirtlessness (also, not a word, I realize).
granted, they usually ask me for reciprocation. I appreciate the fact that you all have not (as I most likely will not comply).
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