Time to Fess Up

Ok. I guess it's time that I let you in on a little secret. I've put up a good front all these years, but I can't go on living this lie anymore. So here it is. I think the Script Ohio performed by the OSU marching band is one of, if not, the coolest college football traditions. Yes, I have called this the "most boring three minutes in sports" or "a sad display of the only word that Buckeye students can spell correctly" in years past. I was lying.

You might ask yourself, how could such a Michigan fanatic and former band member let this happen (go ahead, ask). I finally came to terms with this unholy truth recently, and it led me to ask myself how this could happen. I mean, how can I ever respect a tradition of the evil Ohio State Buckeyes? Despite my depressed state after realizing my love for a Buckeye tradition, I was reminded that it is ok to think that spelling a four-letter word on the football field is pretty cool. Why? Because this brilliant idea was first performed by the super-awesome Michigan Marching Band.

While I am somewhat relieved of this, I am also somewhat pissed off. Why does Ohio State insist on stealing wonderful ideas by the smarter, more creative, and better looking students at the University of Michigan? Can't they come up with an original idea for once that doesn't involve throwing exotic objects at opposing fans? And if they insist on stealing our ideas, why can't they steal our more important values in life?

Why can't they raise their kids properly?

Why can't they find more hospitable places to raise their families?

If you don't know why OSU fans are a bunch of classless thugs, you are not thinking hard enough.

I'd say the Michigan should get even with OSU for their thievery, but we did several decades ago. We got more than even.

Unfortunately, Michigan's ultimate revenge has turned sour. Michigan has not beaten the Buckeyes in several years, and I, frankly, and sick of this. I am sick of hearing about how they own us and about how Jim Tressel is right up there with Charlie Weis on the genius scale after three consecutive wins. I mean, we are still a long ways from John Cooper ineptness, but OSU fans have short memories (likely caused by excessive alcohol use). Michigan fans cannot allow losses to Ohio State to become acceptable. Their fans are evil, their coach bears a striking resemblance to the most evil man on earth (who do you think of when you see this picture). And to top things off, their players hate puppies. How can you possibly root for someone that hates puppies?

So what do we do about it? We can't let this go any longer. We must rise up and fight back against the egotistical OSU monster before it is too late. If not for yourself, do it for me. I hate those rioting communist bastards. Those people will spend the rest of their sorry lives living in trailer parks and coming out for an annual riot just because they live in a shithole city. Columbus is a much more beautiful city when it's on fire. We need to celebrate Lloyd Carr's last home game with a behind the shed beatdown of those Sweater Vesteyes. I mean, what kind of tool wears a sweater vest? Seriously?!? I won't be satisfied until Chris "I don't have a man card because people call me Beanie" Wells is sucking his thumb and calling Shawn Crable "daddy".

It's Lloyd's last home game, and I am making my first trip to the Big House this season. That's enough for me to believe that we can finally beat those no talent assclowns and give their sorry fan base yet another reason to burn down their foul smelling "college town".

And with that, it's time to start packing for a trip back home this weekend.

GO BLUE! BEAT THE BUCKEYES!!!!!!!!!!